Thursday, July 31, 2008


It has been six years since I lived somewhere that had a decent shower. Yes, six years- that is back at my mom's house before I moved away to college. In the dorms of course it was not ideal to put on shower shoes and head into the community bathroom with all of the other strangers to use the tiny, dark inadequate shower.

When I moved out of the dorms I had my very own bathroom, and it was a pretty decent bathroom. Good size, lots of storage, good water pressure, but WITHOUT FAIL each and every time I would take a shower I would have exactly two minutes before the water turned frigid and I felt like I was in some sort of army boot camp training session.

Junior year in Chico my roommates and I moved again and I was happy to try out a new shower. But true to Chico form, the house we moved to was old, and sort of jimmy rigged to be livable. It was very nice, but the bathroom did not have a toilet in it- the toilet was in a separate room at the back of the house. Not necessarily an outhouse- although at one point in history it probably was! That all wouldn't be so bad except I personally lived in the converted garage- it was comfortable (except for in the winter when I would wake up and see my breath while I was laying in bed because it was so cold.) Sleeping in the converted garage meant that I had to walk from my room, outside, then inside into the shower. Not so shabby until the rainy season when earth worms sprung up like a mother fucker and I would drag them into my carpeted converted garage.
No seriously. It was gross.

Now, ah yes, now- Our place is pretty nice here in San Francisco. Save for the bathroom that is. As if getting up to my alarm every morning against my will is not torturous enough, I have to step into a shower that has ABSOLUTELY NO WATER PRESSURE.


Oh, and I know what you're thinking- you're like, dude, Schumanator, call maintenance. Oh but I did. I did friend and the man literally looked at me dumbfounded and could not see or even understand what the problem was.
I said SIR, the problem is that I could fill my bathtub up with the SINK faster than the tub faucet. The shower stream? It is not a solid, cleansing burst of water, but rather a lazy and insultingly gentle flow.
He could do nothing, he said.

So I killed him.

There was a song by that band Goldfinger back in the day called "My Girlfriend's Shower" and some of the lyrics went:

And its got nooo press-ure.
It makes me feel like
The showers going pee.

And EVERY SINGLE morning, when I get up begrudgingly for work and brave the insolence of my shower those words go through my head over and over and over and over...