Friday, February 25, 2011


Dear Vanity Fair,

I moved and you apparently will never deliver to me again. I'm not going to act desperate. I'm not that kind of girl. (But seriously did you get my new address? Its murder avoiding you at the grocery check out line)

Allie "Just moved" Schumanator

Dear Weather Man,

What the fuck?

When I checked yesterday, it was defs going to snow today. SEVENTY PERCENT CHANCE! Now each time I check the weather it is warmer and warmer and now I feel like you are just messing with me yo. Not that this would be the first time, but you know, we just moved here and it would be amazingly magical if you would winter wonderland the hell out of this place. No pressure.


Dear Chico,

You rule in every way except for one - what is up with your radio stations? Is this not a college town? Do we not have progressive taste?? I mean, I dig Paradise City and I Come From the Land Down Unda as much as the next girl believe me, but what I'm saying is would it kill you to rock a little Adele or Mumford and Sons on occasion? Cereal.


PS - I've heard that Uber Christian public radio fool talking about the end of the world on May 11th 2011 or thereabouts and ya'll best REPENT. But ASK ME WHICH RADIO SHOW I AM CALLING INTO ON THE 12TH??

Dear Clients,

I know its not approps, but I just don't have time for you right now. Super Busy.

Lo Siento,
La Schumanator

Dear Plutos,

You are one of my favorite to-go restaurants in town and a few weeks ago I showed up at your establishment like I owned the place. Feeling like a million bucks. I navigated the lines efficiently (people just don't seem to realize! if you are ordering a sandwich get the hell out of the salad line) and I made my way to check out - Coke to go! I said.

I all but had my sunglasses on (you remember). You didn't give me my receipt and I lingered like a Clingon. Finally saying "oh, you know, I don't need my receipt". Your checker said "oh okay cool - OH WAIT. Sorry, your card was declined."

I said "oh. Well. Let me think about this for a second." (The thoughts went like this: My cell phone is dead and I apparently have no money. How fast can I get back to the car?) I did not return to your restaurant.

I can never see you again because of this, Plutos, and it hurts me more than it hurts you. I hope you understand.


Dear Northern California,

God you rock my world with your bird life and your plant life and your semi-mountainous weather. Your eclectic farmer's markets and your deer population. Your SPACE. Your Fireplaces, your water pressure, your muthafuckin JOIE DE VIVRE. Northern California: You complete me.


Dear Southern California,

I get something totally and completely different from my relationship with NorCal. I'm not saying its better. Just......Different.

I hope in time you will come to understand.