Thursday, July 24, 2008

Bessy Bad Ass

My grandmother Bess is one of a kind. I have never met anyone quite like her and I doubt that I ever will. She is clever, wickedly funny at times, and regardless of how old she is, she somehow always has her finger on the pulse of society.

Now, don't get me wrong, she is not at home watching MTV and thinking about how awesome it is that the bob haircut is back. But she is more internet savvy than most adults- regardless of age. She has a whole computer setup in her apartment and she has even gone as far as to set her homepage to CNN. As if being able to navigate a whole new technical world was not sweet enough for one of America's Finest Senior Citizens, she sends out emails like a grandfather clock tells time- Every hour on the hour I have a new forwarded message in my inbox and these are not news snippets. These are chain letters, jokes, clever and sometimes moving essays- you get the idea, all from my dear grandmother- whose email address is Bessy Bad Ass.

One time, when I was in elementary school Bessy Bad Ass had to take me to soccer practice. It was a ride just like any other until she realized that we had gotten off at the wrong exit. Most people would have continued in the wrong direction until the first opportunity to turn around, but those people are not bad asses. No, my grandma just decided to veer left and DRIVE HER TOYOTA CRESSIDA DOWN THE ICE-PLANT EMBANKMENT in order to rejoin the FREEWAY. And let me just say that it was not a tiny little bump with some greenery, it was a hill that was fully populated in thick iceplant. It was totally shocking, but at the same time I was a kid- I figured, Shit, she's an adult- she knows what she's doing.

But apparently that nice police officer that happened to be on that very same freeway didn't think so. Gramma got pulled over and the policeman was totally beside himself. He was talking to her like a concerned parent that had just watched their kid walk in the middle of the road. Bessy Bad Ass just played dumb- she said, "Well Officer, I'm not from around here" (As though driving down an embankment was legal where she came from). And get this- He didn't even give her a ticket!! He said, and I quote: "I'm going to go ahead and let you off with a triple warning."

When I got home I told my mom all about it and she just laughed and laughed when I said the words "triple warning". I was like, What dude? He said that. She goes, "There's no such thing! Thats like a double dog dare!"