Tube

It feels like a lot of shit is going on in my Television life right now. I mean, just pure and utter chaos on some fronts.

Because all I can think of when I get home from work is curling up on the couch and turning off my brain to watch some tube - I think it would be appropriate to update you on the happenings in my MOST favorite television shows. Who knows, maybe you (guiltily) watch some of the same ones and can contribute...

1. LOST. I could watch this show every week for the rest of my life and if you asked me what it was "about" I could not fucking tell you. I love it, I am utterly devoted to it and last week when our DVR messed up the sound on the entire thing I wanted to poke my eyes out - but this show never satisfies me. Ever. And the worst thing is that I know that the last and final episode is going to leave me just as unsatisfied as every episode in the entire show's run has.

But while I would prefer to avoid the hassle altogether...If it's all the same to you, I think I'll keep watching. I need any modicum I of closure I can get.

2. AMERICAN IDOL. First of all it's a long time coming that I even admit to watching this show. But now that I have, here are my comments:

• a. I think that Simon, at one point, was banging Paula and now is definitely down with the potential of doing Cah-Rah and every time Paula says something ridiculous, he looks at "Cah-Rah" and says...See what I mean?

• b. I don't have a favorite really. I like Megan but I mostly just like her tattoo and style. I'm down with Danny, but it's not really fun to pick the obvious - and as Jon pointed out, so rarely does the early front runner win. I thought Matt was awesome tonight, but the judges' commentary made me think he was entirely uncool. Anoop Dog was my man before, but it would just be foolish to pick him at this stage in the game.

• c. Allion is pretty good, but the first thing I said when she walked out was "W-O-W, would you look at that mullet? That dress? Those shoes??"

Not that I didn't make several years of poor wardrobe decisions just around her age, but come on I was not on national television and- don't they have stylists at this point?

Stay tuned Methinks.

3. PROJECT RUNWAY Last Season: Ok so Kenley was arrested for attacking her "ex fiancee" with a laptop, a cat, and some water or something? I feel like you didn't see this coming...But at the same time, you totally saw this coming. Kenley: You had me until the ropes around the models' necks.

4. REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY: Yeah yeah you watch it too. Apparently Vicki "woo hoo" Gunvalson received a death threat for comments she made about former playmate and THOUROUGHLY bitter human being Jeana Keough on the show. Vicki bugs me...and when I saw she was in the news I automatically assumed that her separation with Don finally went public. But no.

Please people. Read the writing on the wall.

5. WEEDS Is this show ever coming back on? Does it run like 5 weeks of the year? Is that nearly enough single-mother-suburban-pot-dealing for my life? No. No it's not.

6. REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK...

1. Okay first of all I was not even going to consider watching this because aside from Jon's sister and her family, I straight up do not get New Yorkers and I figured that there is no way in hell that I was going to give this shit the time of day.

• a. But tell me why the Real Housewives in New York, dramatic and ridiculous as they may be, make Orange County housewives look like a bunch of complete retards? Seriously?

• b. (Except for Ramona. She is on another fucking planet with her cooky ass husband.)

2. Okay so whateverwhatever - Bethenny and Kelly don't like each other. But honestly, I only sort-of like both of them so I'm Switzerland in this battle.

3. I will say that it was absolutely ridiculous of Kelly to plan a meeting just to say "Screw you Bethenny, you aint shit", but somehow I'm able to overlook that.

• a. Doesn't help though that Kelly was recently arrested and had a court date for socking the shit out of her "boyfriend".
• b.Crazy Points Kelly: 5 Crazy Points Bethenny:....5

What's up with your shows??

Hmmmm.....DING!

One sunny day in 5th grade we headed to Mrs Buchanon's science class in the next building over. I loved science class and although I can't seem to remember the frequency with which we visited Mrs Buchanon I have several very vivid memories of her classroom. They mostly involve owl pellets and computer assignments...But the assignment on that sunny San Diego day in 1994 left an impression on me that I don't think will ever rub off.

Once inside the room we settled ourselves at our desks. Mrs Buchanon held up a rather unsightly contraption and said "Class, today, we are going to make Hum Dingers." The item that she held up was enclosed in wood and all I could see was a small piece of string that she pulled on. When pulled, the string would set off a chain reaction - something within the box would hum a low deep hum and then as soon as the string was let go, the box would ding! like a kitchen timer.

"So - today you are going to make this" Mrs. Buchanon said, "but here's the catch. I am giving you some rubber bands, a few paperclips, some metal, a string, a tiny little motor and a box - but I am not going to give you instructions. You have the rest of the class period to figure out a way to make your materials Hummmm and then Ding!"

We had all been subjected to the dreaded Invention Convention - where our parents competed against eachother the night before the assignment was due to see who would come up with the most thoroughly ridiculous project. I think I stole the show with the "Goose Neck Sprinkler" - a regular old spray bottle with a plastic straw attached - for those hard to reach potted plants.

But this project was different - I felt the need not only to be the first one done, but to be the one with the loudest ding!

It really wasn't all that hard. At least I remember thinking that. But once I had thrown all of the pieces together and tugged on the string, my Hummmm was more of a lackluster bzzzzzz. But boy did it ding when you let go of the string.

The last part of class was dedicated to Mrs Buchanon pulling all of our strings in front of our peers. She showered those who accomplished the task with compliments and made a somewhat disappointed face when a student failed to make their contraption Hum or Ding or both. When it came to my Hum Dinger she seemed sort of torn. She pulled the string, listened to the buzz and the ding and said, "Well...It doesn't sound exactly like mine did, but it humzz and it dings! And the project didn't have any instructions so I say...Great Job!!!"

And this has sort of contributed to my life's mantra ever since. In life you aren't always given instructions for the things you have to do. Sometimes you just know the goal and are given the materials, but the means to the end are really up to you.

You can half ass it, you can fudge the meanings and definitions of some things, you can create your own pathway to the destination. But dammit in the end, if you aren't humming or dinging....well then you're doing something wrong.

Thinking.

Bloggers Block

Loving Microsoft Live Gallery - Stitching.


25

Shower water pressure has returned to its original state of uselessness. If you can believe that.

I think that I have developed an allergy to my cat and although I do love him this is just another thing on the list of shit he does to bug me.

New Camera

Coca Cola fountain soda from McDonalds, Coca Cola in a can, Coca-Cola fountain soda from anywhere other than McDonalds, Coca Cola in a glass bottle, Coca Cola in a plastic bottle. In that order.

Not sleeping very well, think it's bedroom feng shui...making big plans and being inspired by this website.

Used to, and once blogged about, LOATHING morning radio talk-shows. No longer the case.
Sarah, Vinnie, Hooman, Yuzette, Icky and Jane: Mahalo.

Number of times I have sneezed while writing this: 9

Number of times that cat has meowed at me while writing this: 6 million



Liking Home

Bedtime.

Photos Taken With My New Camera

The Nameless: A Poll

On my birthday, March 17th - St. Patrick's day, two baby goats were born on a farm somewhere in Northern California.

Those baby goats, both boys, need names, and ideally they would be adorable Irish names.

I've started a poll for these sweet boys because this is a big decision and we need the creativity and good taste of my readers to help.

The names that you can vote on:

Patrick & Kelly
Quinn & Kian
Killian & Colin
Seamus (Shay-mus) & Hamish.

Ok, so Hamish is Scottish, but we're all a little bit of both, are we not? I know that I am...but regardless the two names just sound cute together.

So I ask you to please vote on the current poll and if you have a computer at work AND at home, vote twice like I do some people do.

Jon suggested we call at least one of them Baby Jesus, but he quickly self corrected by saying "oh wait, no. That was lambs."

Just look at the wee lit'le ones....

On Second Thought...

You know what? Screw selling the Civic.

No one is willing to pay the premium at which we were willing to sell it and as the process became more and more of a pain in the ass, my mom and I slowly recognized our attachment to the vehicle.

I mean seriously, if a 16 year old kid had written to me and said "I LOVE THAT CAR, I want it, will you take such-and-such amount?? I NEED to drive that Civic home today!!" I would have said "fuck yes we'll take that much, enjoy the car my young friend...treat it well...." But because almost every single person that wrote to me seemed to be a middle aged/middle eastern man (not a judgment on heritage, but just an odd coincidence) and because they all seemed determined to make me an offer that I absolutely could refuse, we've decided to re-think our hasty decision.

In summation, reasons not to sell the Civic at the moment include:

1. First and foremost, this car is like The Gap: Simple, classic and universal. Yeah, maybe it's not the most unique thing on the planet, but what it lacks in originality it more than makes up for in versatility.

2. No matter who responds to the Craigslist ad, I get the sneaking suspicion that they are trying to scam me and quite frankly I think they feel the same way.

3. I already lowered the price from my first ad by $1,000.00. That is a thousand bucks less than Kelly Blue Book recommends for a car in "fair" condition. A fact that I resent even more now that no one jumped at the opportunity of a lifetime.

4. A few people asked if we would take even less than the lowered cost and that is just offensive if I'm being frank. Does emotional value count for nothing, I ask you?

5. One day this car will be the crowning jewel in some car collector's auto-menagerie. Such a classic that the eager collector will not mind that the driver's side door has been stuck shut for half of a century.

Laundry and Craft

Jon and I went to Pat's house this weekend and set our personal record for the amount of laundry we brought this time. We tried to weigh the bag, but it was about 300 times the size of the scale. We can say for certain that it was at least 50 pounds but I am willing to bet that it was more like 70.

Amidst all of the laundering Jon and I took walks around the pond and tried to drain Lucy of any energy she might have (a lofty goal). It was cold, but sunny...I took a few photos while we strolled. Spring must be near...







Also, with the help and expertise of Jon and Pat, I finally finished fixing up the chairs that I bought at the Salvation Army. Ten bucks each but a lifetime of enjoyment to be sure. It didn't get done as quickly as I originally projected, but dammit they're done and I LOVE them.





Another project I've been meaning to share: We have a round window at the top of the staircase that allows all neighbors in front of our place to see directly into our bedroom and bathroom. For awhile we had a piece of tacky fabric up in front of the window, but I was inspired by this project in Ready Made Magazine and made my own stencil and film cut-out.





Anyways - I drove back home today with Zephyr while Jon stayed in Auburn with Lucy so that he can work tomorrow. Big day for him: He's checking out and approving the final Multi-Touch Screen. He gets to bring one home and I'll put a video up in a few days. It's always strange when he spends the night away - I usually end up sleeping on the couch, making poor dinner decisions and watching chick flicks until my eyes glaze over and blur. It's about as attractive as it sounds.

Saving Time

For about a week now I've been telling myself that I would not blog until I finished the chairs that I am reupholstering - that way I could combine a few of my recent projects into one truly inspirational do-it-yourself fabulousness of a post.

The only problem with that is that I have been totally slacking on the chairs. The day that I bought them I thought I would go home, sand them, paint them, take the seats off and reupholster them ALL IN ONE DAY. This kind of thinking is very very typical in the Schumanator household. It is the crafting equivalent of having your eyes be too big for your stomach.

Anyways - I'm almost done with them - tomorrow will definitely be a post on cute home crafts, but for now I'd like to start a betting pool...

Saturday was daylight savings time and we have managed to change alarm clocks and watches...but the kitchen clock is a different story. We don't use it to wake up and it doesn't help us keep track of the time during the day so why bother changing it? Especially if we are going to have to change it back eventually anyways? Not to mention it is over the sink and that is just sort of difficult to access.

AND SO you may now place your bets on how long you think the kitchen clock will stay one hour behind...But be warned - I have dibs on November 1, 2009 and the surrounding dates.

The End of an Era

My first car was a black Honda Civic - 1998. I loved that car. I drove it for 7 years and then when my mom bought herself a new car I inherited her Accord. We didn't sell the Civic - it's been at my mom's house, appreciating in value.

So we've decided to sell it - put the money towards my taxes this year (which are ungodly). In making this decision I was forced to think back on our time together - me and my car - and I realized that one day I will talk about my "little black coupe" the way that Bessy Bad Ass talks about her "little red convertible".

My mom bought me the Civic about a month before my 16th birthday. It sat outside in a parking spot for a full month, taunting me day in and day out after school. That is, until I started taking it for joyrides in the afternoon.

I didn't do anything crazy. A few times I cruised to 711 for a slurpee. Another time I picked up my friend Nicole and we made macaroni and cheese - it was all really harmless. But when I finally had my license, the first thing I did in the evening was drive to the nearby strip mall where I bought a wallet. A wallet to hold my new drivers license. A fuzzy hot pink wallet.

There was also the time that a friend and I drove to Big Bear to go snowboarding. There was about a quarter of an inch of snow on the ground and because we didn't have chains for my tires, we had to turn around and go home. On this drive I got a speeding ticket going 99 miles an hour. This I did get in trouble for, and rightfully so! I look back and wonder how anyone could be so stupid as to be driving that fast anywhere. Although why they would make a car be able to go so much faster than any legal limit is beyond me. I doubt there are Civics cruising the autobahn so I really don't see the need for the speed...but maybe I'm just shifting the blame.

I drove this car to college and my dorm roommate happened to have the exact same car! Something we naturally bonded over and then inevitably disliked each other for.

I drove it to see Jon all the time when I was still living in Chico. It was very trusty - save for the two flat tires that left me in my pajamas, miles between highway exits and crying to the unsympathetic AAA lady.

And then I had it here, in San Francisco. I drove it the less than 1/2 mile to the preschool that I worked at so that I could go and get lunch everyday. Pathetic really. And then one day the drivers side door shut and was never to be opened again. From that moment on, my car was a constant source of humiliation. I would run into a neighbor in the parking lot and they would look puzzled as I approached the wrong door and of course greeting the parents of the preschool kids I taught each day provided a nice morning kick-off. Eventually I slid in and out of the passenger's side and over the center console like it was nothing, but it was always a scene.

To this day the door is stuck shut. My brother told me once that it might cost $500 to fix and I think we all agreed to leave it at that. My mom drives it occasionally to keep the battery going and she has never said one word about it being a pain in the ass. But I guess I can understand that because when I look at the car, sitting quietly in the garage, I don't even think of the door. I think of all the other millions of moments I had with my little black coupe and how I'll always remember it as My First Car.

Journey to the Promise Land

Today is my mom's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Mamacita!!

I made a quick jaunt down to San Diego to spend a little time with the birthday girl this weekend - so quick that I didn't bother making many plans beyond hanging around the house and banking on nice weather. My flight out of San Francisco was delayed and I finally arrived around 9pm on Friday night. I was still sick - in fact probably MORE sick than I had been up to that point. Just a snotty, coughy, sneezy, glassy-eyed wreck and so as soon as we got home my mom went to bed and I took a hot bath and went to bed too.

Because my mom works on Saturdays until the early afternoon, I took a few hours to meet up with my old friend Courtney. Despite talking almost every single day (we both use instant messenger for work) we hadn't seen each other in at least two years. We decided to meet in downtown La Jolla. We loved La Jolla when we were in middle school and intent on roaming the city by bus. We both set out to meet there - but - we both got lost. Lost in our own hometown. It's embarassing really. I doubled back on two freeways and she called me wondering...Are you near Seal Beach??

As a matter of fact, I was near Seal Beach. I got there a bit before her so I could roam around and get some photos.









Just after I decided that I like totally needed my own pet seal it was time to find Court.

Sweating, unable to breathe and aching on the hill up to the store level, I, alongside an effortless Courtney Beatmon braked momentarily to catch my breath. "It's cause I'm sick..." I assured her. We ate outside at Jack's and it was truly good catching up.

My mom and I just kicked it for the rest of the day. Got the Mexican food that is mandatory during every visit home and watched The Sopranos until bed time.

It's no wonder I am so into Christmas and allegedly "peeking" at any gift that is headed my way: When I woke up this morning my mom had gone ahead and opened her present claiming that "it was on the table". Suuure it was. I'm willing to bet that she tampered with the wrapping so much that there was no choice but to just get rid of the evidence and open the whole damn thing. I'm not saying I blame her...That would be the very height of hypocrisy.

We hung around today - did my taxes which was exceptionally painful and spent some time in the sun. We also used the Kiva gift certificate that I got her to give a micro-loan to a woman in South America that wants to buy a portable cart to sell soda and other things. My flight in the evening was also delayed, but it ended up arriving a lot earlier than they said it would. All in all it was a great quick trip - I'm feeling a lot better than I was on Friday and it was good to spend my mom's birthday with her.

Also of note, for several weeks now my mom's dog Leya has been walking up the stairs backwards. If you think about it, it's a pretty amazing thing - the best part is that it is not the entire staircase, it is not a random decision on the way up, No - it is on the exact same stair everytime. We aren't sure if she had a bad experience on that stair at some point or what, but she is apparently very conistent. I got a video because this is the kind of thing you just don't believe until you see.



And, speaking of dog videos - click here for the Dooce rip off of the day. It is truly unreal.