Why I Will NOT Miss My Dog

Today felt like the last day of school before Summer break. It is sunny and hot and tomorrow I am leaving on my big adventure! What are you supposed to do on the last day of school? Go to the beach of course and so today when I got home I decided to take my dogs to the beach.

If they go nuts when we play out back than they go utterly insane when it is time to get in the car. I really really HATE Lucy in the car. I have to take them one at a time out of the house so once it was Lucy's turn she of course flipped her shit. We went outside and I knelt down to put the leash on. It got all tangled up and as I knelt there, wrestling with the leash, pissed off that she was being so bad, she headbutted me directly in the upper lip.

We finally got in the car and the fun continued. I tried to keep a positive outlook- it was a nice sunny day, I like to go to the beach. But Lucy makes that all really hard when she is pacing back and forth over Zephyr, pushing against my arm to jump into the front seat and panting in my ear.


We got to the beach and she did was she usually does. She walks between my feet and in front of my legs the entire time until I throw her frisbee. If you hold it up she keeps her eyes directly on it, even if it means cranking her neck all the way up. It is really the only way you can get her to walk right next to you.


We finally got down to the water- Lucy actually LOVES the ocean...or maybe its just the ocean water that she drinks by the gallon.


She gets totally filthy, and before we even head back up the hill the diarrhea ensues.

I decided the poo poo princess could use a little break, so I sat down and just as I looked up a whale popped out of the water and flopped back in. It was awesome- I have gone to this beach a lot and always thought I would see whales or dolphins but never did until today. There were a ton of birds circling overhead and I sat there for 10 minutes watching.



Totally awesome. I looked at the dogs and right then Lucy had the worst diarrhea ever recorded. Although...I don't know, can you call it diarrhea if she's just peeing out of her butt? Because that is what she did, sorry but its true. And at this point what I am dying to do is take Little Miss Anal Leakeage back into my car. She was obviously dehydrated and so I sat down in the shade for a few minutes and gave her some water and hoped that whatever it was that came in like a lion would go out like a lamb.

And I Just Think Thats Really Weird

About a month and a half ago (July 15), we had some layoffs at our work. It came as a surprise to everyone, but no one was quite as surprised as one of the account managers that was let go. I do genuinely feel bad that he lost his job, but his behavior after the fact has just been...sad? weird? bitter? You decide...

So we use AIM at work and this person was still signing on all of the time after being let go. Not so strange...Except he was leaving status messages that were very obviously directed at my coworkers and my bosses.

The first one said: Back from the funeral. Still looking for work.

The second: From chaos is opportunity born...MUCH better opportunities. YAY

The third: LOOK OUT!! The 15th is coming!

The fourth: Looking at a multiple offer situation...

The fifth (and perhaps the most harsh): 40% salary increase- Self explanatory. Company with solid funding- Self explanatory. Manager that knows what they're doing? PRICELESS

The sixth (which clearly came after someone finally confronted him on #5): I'm SUPER excited about my new job.

The seventh (as though he was not trying to attract attention): What.

The Eight: Relaxing on my time off before my exciting new job!


I am just baffled by this sequence of expression- what 35 year old man taunts former colleagues via AOL Instant Messenger status messages?

Jon said it pretty well when he said: Dude, we are passed the age of "how old are you?" some people are just crazy.

People and Their Dogs

Today when I got home from work the dogs went nuts as they usually do. When they get to play at the same time they bark and are just in general, bad neighbors. I hate this but it only lasts about 15 seconds and then they are way too focused on their own toys to be distracted by anything else. Lucy has her frisbee which she is very very intense about and Zephyr fetches a tennis ball until he gets distracted by dragonflies and looking for those damn keys...

So today after Lucy had only caught the frisbee twice and while the Z man was still trying to cope with so much excitement one of our slightly strange neighbors came out with her "puggle" in tow and asked if they could "join us". I of course had to says, but her dog is so annoying that both Lucy AND Zephyr got super irritated. Lucy because this little terror kept threatening to ruin a good frisbee toss and Zephyr because he has a phobia of small dogs. And this woman went on and on and on without even caring or noticing. I almost took the dogs inside, but then I thought that maybe, if I played my cards right she would make me dinner tonight. Or at least hook a sister up with some leftovers..so I hung around awhile longer.

She started talking about how her dog has separation anxiety, BAD. That he demolished her mothers house. That she borrowed a bike buggy from a neighbor and before the got down the block her dog had finagled out of the harness and unzipped the zipper? And my personal favorite, that asking him not to bark is like asking children not to yell.

And I, Miss 'I am going to cry when I drop the dogs off on Friday' felt like I needed to say Jesus Christ lady, this is just a dog, cut the imaginary cord.

Because I Have Already Had McDonalds Twice

I debated blogging on this topic. I don't usually TRY to make myself look helpless, but in this instance it is apparently true. With Jon gone I am more like a bachelor than most bachelors. I did not shower all weekend and I watched several movies including American Pie and Knocked Up. At times I found myself laughing out loud by myself. As to whether or not I managed to brush my teeth...I cannot recall.

I think my laziness actually carried on to the pets via osmosis.

Making important food decisions is proving to be difficult as well- the good news is that the inability to cook doesn't make me less of a woman. It may even make me more of a feminist, but at any rate without Jon, his cooking or our collaborative decision making processes I have resorted to the following:

Dinner #1 - Peanut butter sandwich. Fun size bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos smothered betwixt the slices and peanut butter. We have so little food in the house that I even ate the bread that had a little bit of mold on it. Yeah. Ordinarily - one freckle of mold and I retire the loaf. Not so in my brief bachelorhood.
The side dish? Trader Joes microwavable spinach artichoke dip with stale tortilla chips.

Dinner #2 - McDonalds

Dinner #3 - McDonalds

Dinner #4 - In n Out Burger

As a bachelor I am also very obviously concerned with my health.

Could Anything Be Any Cuter?

BEHOLD the labels I made for my home canning projects...

Five Foot Three of Sunshine

Okay, so I don't love flying. I mean, I know aaaalll the arguments, its safer than driving a car, blah blah blah. It still doesn't sit very well with me. I mean, I've seen like 5 car accidents this month, like I was a WITNESS. Flying better be safer than driving.

When I do fly I can pull it together but there is a general feeling of: Well. Here we go...hope this goes well.

Here is a conversation I had with my mom via many emails in one work day on the matter:

Me: I'm a little bit concerned about what the Magic 8 Ball had to say about my flight.

Mom: Well you shouldn't have asked it ya' Ding Dong!

Me: Did you see there was a recent plane crash?

Mom: I did see that...You better watch your KARMA. (this was in reference to another side conversation we were having.)

Me: Karma will probably bite you in the ass before me.

Mom: If I fall and break my hip tonight you'll feel so bad.

Me: Yah. But when you're in the hospital...Awaiting your hip replacement, and you hear that a plane has suddenly exploded on its journey across the Atlantic, you'll feel bad too. Worse even.

Mom: We are done here.

Me: I think its because I am a mammal that I don't like when I or my people fly. Mammals do not fly.

Mom: Bats do. And squirrels do. More like the mammal in you that is afraid of falling...way down.

Me: Oh! Bats and squirrels do? Well in that case...

And I don't think squirrels fly - They take big leaps.

Mom: They soar

What is it about Airports?

I dropped Jon off this morning at Oh-Dark-Thirty and I don't know man, but airports make me cry! Goodbyes in general: I do not enjoy. It was funny because I swear Lucy could tell something was up as Jon gathered up his various bags and carry-ons. For a minute she grabbed her frisbee and ran around the house like it was either time to play or time to go to the farm- shaking her tail-less backside hither and tither. (LOVE that I just got to say hither and thither). But alas, she would have to go back to bed for another 8 hours until play time.

I decided to come in to work straight from the airport because I work about 3 minutes away and it just didn't make sense to go home. The drawback: It is still totally dark outside and it feels like I am an extremely dedicated capitalist that has stayed long after the business day- or like I never left at the end of the day yesterday.

The perk: I can make up for the blog I missed last night while Jon and I were at this restaurant.

The Countdown Begins

I came home from work today to see that Jon had almost completely packed for his departure to Europe. I am so all about the hype and not at all about the actual event that this was like coming home to Christmas Eve 6 months early. Seeing Jon all packed and ready signified one of the last big tasks leading up to a big trip. The other day he also said:

So dude, I feel like today is the day that my mom would take me to REI to get last minute supplies if I was going to Summer camp.

These words did more for me than ANY chick flick could ever do.

He is leaving on Thursday morning at the most ungodly hour that I am not even going to say what it is. I'm slightly jealous because this means that for the next day and a half he will be able to parade around in front of the mirror his with backpack strapped on his back, just to check out what a bad ass he looks like. I'll have to wait another week and a half to do that.

I'm not sure what I will do with my time before I meet him in the Netherlands, it will be the longest we've been apart since we have lived together and it is sort of hard to picture what our house will be like if it is quiet for so long. Well, I know I'll be at work most of the time. And I'm also going to clean like the fucking Tasmanian Devil. No. Seriously. And then I am going to go to Target to purchase every single travel size item that they have in the store.

At that point it will be my turn to walk around the house with my backpack on like a bad ass. And boy will I

The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Men...

How long do you think it would take to sell everything I own in exchange for a hammock and a sunny somewhere on a beach? I would live off the "fat of the land" and it would all be very Steinbeck of me.


Because honestly, my little heart cannot take a lifetime of capitalism and slaving for the man.

San Francisco Drivers

Our apartment complex has many roundabouts but very few people know how to use them. This morning I actually saw someone stop, put their car in reverse and back up to the turn they missed.

Can Can

Jon: Dude, Stop referring to yourself as "The Schumanator".


This weekend I (The Schumanator) was a home canning machine. I made PICKLES! I also made peach jam. I'm busy cleaning up the "sticky icky ick". Hope you had a nice weekend!




I got the pickle recipe from one of my favorite crafty blogs, Turkey Feathers. I am always inspired by photos of her garden and simple sewing projects.

And Jam is SUPER easy to make. There are literally 4 ingredients. Trust me, I have not cooked myself a complete meal EVER, so if I can do home canning, so can you!

Typical Friday

So we did a little cooking tonight, nothing fancy. We constantly struggle with Lucy being right in the way while we're in the kitchen- essentially she lays down square in front of the oven. We're working on being rewarded for staying in the down position, just outside of the kitchen...

I'd put money on the notion that it doesn't last long.

Also- while we were lost on the way to Whole Foods today and before you say it, the answer is YES, we have lived here for three years, and we should be able to find the grocery store. Anyways we were lost in a very hilly part of San Francisco, a neighborhood that actually had sunshine. I'm not sure if I have expressed this accurately enough for you, but where we live is PARTICULARLY foggy and that means that even when "san francisco" is getting sunshine...We are stuck in Sherlock Holmes style fog. We saw a chance for the perfect photographic explanation of this phenomenon- a moment at the top of a steep street that showed a dense blanket of fog due West, just over where our house is. But alas I did not have my camera. I took a shot with Jon's Blackberry...

I think you'll get the point.




Yeah.

Jon and I moved here during summertime and before I got here I was like, Dude- Mom, I am going to spend everyday this summer at the pool just relaxing.

I look back and laugh at how naive that was. That's sort of like saying: Oh Man, I can't wait to go to the Sahara to try out my rain boots.

Potpourri

1. A very big congratulations to my friend Emily and her now FIANCE Billy. They got engaged this weekend and will be married probably this time next Summer. To you I say Congratulations, Felicitaciones, and Mazel Tav!

2. This last Monday was my Roo's birthday-HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROO! Your butt is as firm as it ever was. Go 'head girlfriend!


3. I was babysitting for a certain family for awhile, and it wasn't the family so much as the dedication of my personal time that annoyed me. Since starting to babysit for them I got a "nine to five" (shit) and now my free time is much more valuable to me. One day I completely forgot that I was supposed to babysit for this family- seriously, I planned on it for over a month and when the day came I was totally bored all day thinking I didn't have anything to do at all but totally loving it.
The next time I was supposed to babysit for them I just really didn't want to. I was tired from work and so I asked a mutual friend to cover for me. Since that weekend I have not heard from this family, I assume they thought I was totally over babysitting for them. Which I am...But I feel bad! SO today when the mom walked right by me in an empty aisle at Whole Foods attempting to look preoccupied I decided there was no other option than to ignore her right back. Because if I hadn't my weaker side would have said Oh I haven't heard from you- really, feel free to call me! Which is like the second to last thing I want to do....Right before mathematics.

4. I was talking to Jon about my website and about how I can "get the word out". Seriously people, I love all eleven of you but you ain't payin' my bills. We got on the subject of "Twittering" and he had this to say: "Dude, Shakespeare himself could be on Twitter saying 'I just washed my balls and now I'm going to the supermarket' and it wouldn't matter if people didn't know about it."

5. Please take a look at the BEST YouTube video ever...Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis- (It's all about that WOO WOO)



6. One of you is Google searching "fuck ya Schumanator" like everyday to get here and I thank you for it.

7. Zephyr ate a lot more goat cheese than is advisable last night after we accidentally left it out on the table. I think it is clear at this point that he is a fan of cheese.

Check Mark in the "CON" Section for Kids

One time I was babysitting a 3 year old girl and she was angry at me because I am not what you call a "fun" babysitter. I mean, I'll play and stuff but there are just certain things that are no fun and cannot even be faked. Playing Make Believe is one of them. There is nothing less enjoyable than pretending that you're the mommy and I'm the baby and you are sending me to my room. And I had just finished saying this to the little girl when she said very matter-of-factly:

I bet nobody likes you in your town.

Completely taken back by this, I stuttered for a second.

Wha? You aren't...You don't even know what my town is. For one. And TWO, I'll have you know that plenty of people like me in my town. So don't even go there girlfriend.

Angel Card

So I was at Victoria's Secret today and after I got what I needed I headed to check out. Now, Victoria's Secret is definitely one of those places where you just KNOW that they are going to ask you to open a credit card. An "Angel Card" in this case. I hate this question- If I wanted to slowly fall in to debt to you I would simply ask. This question is worth dreading because every once in awhile you meet the all American sales member of the year of whatever store you are in, and they want to try to convince you that you need this 10% discount and like, lots of coupons.

I think you see where I am going with this- I was in Victoria's Secret checking out and the girl ringing me up said "Oh, did you want to put this on your Victoria's Secret Angel Card?"

No thanks! (I said politely)

Oh, do you have an Angel Card?

No, I don't but, thanks.

Well you can save 10% on this purchase and we'll give you lots of coupons?!

I'm alright thanks.

Are you sure? We don't charge you if you don't use it. And we notify you when we get new stuff in.

Thanks but, I'm cool.

You Sure?

Yeah. Positive even.

Really?

Mm-Hmm.

Oh. (And then she looks at me up and down like she's never seen anyone so pathetic... Like ohmigawd I can't believe you don't want the Angel Card)

There is a few awkward seconds of silence as I take out my debit card to pay.

She says, Are you sure you don't want to sign up for the card?

No, I do not want the fucking card. I made this mistake before and I said to myself Never Again! So I say, "you're really working for this, and I like you for it, but no I'm alright thanks."

Okaayy...You can just like, save money. That's why.

Hell Hath no Fury Like 15,000 Drummers

Finally dear friend, the Olympics are here. And I have to say that I am a fan of pomp and circumstance so the opening ceremonies of this years games were particularly enjoyable. So much so that I started thinking that perhaps a bit of communism is just what I need in my democratic life.




Jon and I watched the small population of people that performed in perfect unison in total bewilderment. At the end of one of the acts Jon sat there, eyes wide, mouth agape and said:

Dude. I feel like China just won World War III

Shhh Geniuses as Work

This conversation is like a little core sample of the interaction that goes on between Jon and his brother:

Jon Rose says: yea that's awesome
Jon Rose says: just the name in black and white on the site
Jon Rose says: I really wish we had an icon, or mascot
Jon Rose says: something cool other than just the name
Jeff says: hmmm
Jeff says: what's something evolutionary?
Jon Rose says: I think I wanna be Chief Officer of Inovation
Jon Rose says: monkey
Jeff says: InNovation
Jon Rose says: I'm not the Chief Officer of Spelling, Jeff
Jeff says: sounds good to me

If There is a God

He is punishing me with public humiliation.

So today we had a conference call with a big client. Big like a brand you totally know that you or someone in your household has definitely used. It was all of the brand managers of this company and our sales and account management people. And me. Little old me. And I was totally stressing about my ten minute shpeal because the woman from the Big Brand was really asking a lot of questions throughout the hour and a half presentation. So I was planning and planning. Making little notes for what to say. Putting my phone on mute and pulling my headset off to take a big breath every now and then.
We finally reach the point when I am about to speak for the first time during the whole call. My boss has practically had to argue with the boss lady from the Big Brand to even have her team hear what I have to say. My heart is pounding, hands sweaty, breath short and...The floor is given to me with one word: QUICK.

So I say, OK- Everyone have the pdf out in fr-

YEAH ALLIE WE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Oh, I say. My headset hasn't been working properly lately, let me just switch real quick here.

I hit a button.

I hear a dial tone.

Yes. I have just hung up on the Big Brand (worked-for-over-a-month-on-this-information) conference call.

My boss who I share a cubicle wall with catches on way quick and takes the lead. I dial back in immediately and when I re-join the call it makes a "beep beep" noise to signify that I'm there and my boss says "Ok, Allie, sounds like you're back?"

YES! I'm back I had technical difficul-

No, Nope. Huh-uh. We can't hear you. Says the entire conference room of our client's office.

I hang up again. No seriously. I HANG UP AGAIN. (The phone beep-beeps in the conference call to signify it- just so everyone knows)

A coworker sends me an instant message that says, Hey: Make sure your headset is off.

And for a second I thought that maybe I had uttered a swear word in the process of confusion and hadn't realized but in fact I am just a total dumb ass. I panicked and completely hit the wrong buttons at the wrong time and by the time I beeped back into the conversation, my moment in the sun had passed.

I guess the only real consolation was when I was between beeping in and out of the call and I heard my boss say "I know, Poor Thing!" I'm not sure what was said just before that to prompt her comment but for sanity's sake I am going to go ahead and pretend like someone said something like: Oh You know, she is just awesome and is getting a promotion and was DYING to tell you all about this.

This is Seriously the Last Time I'll Mention It

But I'll be damned if there weren't two egg yolks in the egg we used to cook Chicken Parm the other night. Seriously if we were in some ancient civilization that believed in the luck that is associated with the double yolk egg I would be taking over right now.


In other news I decided that it was time we bought our Cat a collar and tag. He had one for awhile but managed to maneuver it off during one of his many outings among the other street cats in the hood. We decided it was high time he got a collar when a neighbor asked what the deal with "that orange stray cat" was. His name is Cap (Which is a stupid ass name and I wish we would have thought that through. To soften the lameness, sometimes I just call him CAT), and we got him at the SFPCA where he was called Nelson. I can still remember picking "Nelson" up- He was a skiddish and weird cat and we adopted him, partly because we thought no one else would. The geeky Asian American kid that showed him to us was noticeably excited when we said "Nelson will fit right in, In our house." Probably because he feared the same: No one would adopt the weird kid.

He meows ALL THE TIME and I'll go ahead and take the blame for that right now... I just...thought....it might be nice if he could express himself?

Oh no sir, it is not nice.

Anyways. So I bought his punk ass a collar and tag but as I have mentioned before the ability to Follow Directions is not a skill that I was necessarily born with. Somehow before I realized that I had made a decision, the pet tag kiosk was printing a dog's tag instead of a cat's. The difference? It is huge.


He is sort of like the Flavor Flav of cats. It would be totally cute except every few minutes he will wander over to the water bowl or his food dish and the tag will clang up against it- a noise he is not used to. He starts to think perhaps that which used to feed and nourish him is now out to get him. He goes without the nutrients. Should he start to lose weight and become disoriented, I will remove the collar.

Until then. That Orange Stray is claimed.

Finally, There is a community garden in the complex that we live in and whenever Jon and I go on a nighttime walk we go through it. There are a lot of roses, herbs and flowers and you might be surprised how many people grow artichokes. (Some young punk grew "the funny stuff" in there, but I'm not sure how long it lasted.)