The Cavaliers

I've mentioned how much I love music before. As a child I was sure I would be a world famous singer by the age of 16. Now that I am 24 I fear my time to make it is running out.
As luck would have it, Jon is quite a talented musician himself. He plays guitar, a little piano and he really kills ProTools. ProTools is an audio editing mixing and sequencing computer program- essentially Jon could make a cd if he wanted to.
Which is why I constantly hound him to team up and form a MySpace band. Nothing serious, just putting something out there...I just need to express myself man. We could be a slightly more tan White Stripes except I would write the lyrics, and of course sing them. He could make the beats, play guitar, edit the music- you know...supervise.

He simply refuses to do this.

Thats awkward he said.

What?Why? Why would that be awkward?

(He shakes his head...smiling because he knows that I am three quarters serious, one quarter giving him a hard time)

I mean...I don't know dude. (He caves a little bit). What kind of music would you want to make?

Well, I was thinking we could be like...a more tan version of the White Stripes.

What?!

But I would write the lyrics. You'd just do the music.

No dude, thats not how it works.

(a few moments later)

I bet we could do an Iron and Wine thing...Do you think we could make that work?

(Laughter)

I totally should have stuck with the piano, huh? That'd make me a better band mate...

Dude. What are you taking about?

I mean like if I played an instrument, it might be more appealing...

Yeah maybe.

Its not that he is being rude. He is actually humoring me throughout the 5 hour long debate. But I think he is stuck on the Sonny and Cher visual...too much Brady Bunch not enough funk.
I remind him that I was chosen from a group of 33 children in my kindergarten class to be Mother Goose in Mother Goose.
I also remind him that in fifth grade I was chosen to be Dame Van Winkle in the classic hit Rip Van Winkle.
Born Star. I say. Star POWER.

He said he'd have to think about it, but before he lost interest completely I said:

Quick: If we were to make a band what would we be called?

Honey..Again, you can't rush it...all this stuff...You're being kind of cavalier.

The Cavaliers! I love it!

Dude, It's perfect.

YouTube Master

I have three YouTube videos to share today because A. I know how to. and B. I think all of these videos are hilarious.

First, I just love this commercial for Orbitz gum:




And Second, I knew that I loved Kevin Spacey, but the fact that he is good at impressions rocks my world more than I can express:




And finally, speaking of impressions, have you seen Matt Damon doing his Matthew McConaughey impression? I can't even handle it...

Not Getting Any Younger

Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not THAT old, but I'm sure as shit not a kid anymore. I am not entirely pleased with this fact because my childhood was awesome, but I think it would only bother me more to dwell on it.
Yes, I will just have to embrace the fact that I now shop at the GAP more than any hip "young" person should. I used to think that the Gap was SO uncool- that it only sold oddly shaped jeans that get really tight at the ankles and house millions of American Mom Butts. Now I can't get enough-

Hell these days I'll even peruse the Costco clothing department if you give me five minutes.

Not only have my shopping habits and choice in stores changed, yesterday about 30 minutes after lunch I had one of those half burp/half hiccup things. You know the kind that take adults completely by surprise? Yeah I did that and even took it one step further and did the obligatory "oh, ex-cuse me!" while patting my sternum completely bewildered as to how I couldn't tell that was coming.
Also, I am now physically unable to stay up after 11 pm. Don't even ask, seriously, because I really really want to but its just against the laws of nature once its that late. The only way I'll stay up is if we get carried away talking about "our tax dollars" and what they are or aren't hard at work doing.
And if they aren't hard at work, I would seriously consider writing someone a letter about it because I am apparently at the age when people start thinking about that kind of thing.

I am also very apprehensive behind the wheel these days- ESPECIALLY at night. Yes, like a little itty bitty old lady that stays in the fast lane on the freeway (even though shes only going 50 miles an hour) because there is less commotion over there- nobody getting on and off and whatnot.

Should I be taking a multi-vitamin?
How can I be more "regular"?
Is my hearing going downhill?
That Alan Rickman does something special for me...
Is this dull pain in my head going to lead to a stroke?
What color fabric will go with this embroidery pattern?

These are the kinds of things that run through my mind and while I am only 24 I think there is something to be said for planning ahead.

Taking the Easy Way Out

This is a survey that was forwarded to me by my darling step mom Roo. Yes Roo, the woman that kindly allowed me to "feel how firm her butt" was when I was little.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Not really, but I do know that I was close to being an April instead of an Allie and if that had happened who knows where I'd be now.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Watching Band of Brothers. That fucking Easy Company, they seriously get me every time.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
Rarely. In elementary school I was the girl with the bad handwriting. How unfeminine is that?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Bacon (preferably smothered in avocado in some way- for my health)

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

No, thank god.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Dude if I was another person I would stalk me.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Never.

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I would but I probably wont.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?
Carne asada burrito and hot carrots, but the tortilla has to be sort of flakey, and dry- don't give me no rubbery soggy tortilla man (pronounced "main" a la Tony Montana)

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No and I just counted and between Jon and myself we have 16 pairs of shoes downstairs and only two of them have laces. They are all tied.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

I could kick your ass, ya.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Peanut Butter and Chocolate. If you don't like Peanut Butter and Chocolate you are voted off the island.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their hearts. No just kidding, probably their shoes.

15. MOUNTAINS OR BEACH?:
Well I live by the beach now and it is cold and foggy as hell practically everyday, so Mountains.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I rock too hard.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
The old MJ

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Yes, but that will be a lot of mail.

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
Clapton: The Autobiography. Homeboy drank like a fish.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
One of my mid-week staples: 6 inch BLT on Italian herb and cheese bread at Subway and harvest cheddar sun chips (powdered cheese: yes please!).

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Food Networks: Throw Down with Bobby Flay because the Food Channel is considered "neutral" in our house along with CNN.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The one that colored the best.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Christmas Trees

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Erin at which time Jon accused us of being gay together. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes and she has a very firm butt.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Warriors Basketball. I also like watching Kobe Bryant lose.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brownish with some poorly placed blond highlights. And yet I keep going back to her anyways.

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue. (which is recessive)

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. I practically have x-ray vision.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Any kind of Mexican food.

31. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?
No I do not. And occasionally Jon and I will do rock, paper scissors (best out of three) to see who gets to choose the movie we're going to watch. Sometimes he picks scary movies and I plug my ears the entire time. You would be surprised how not scary they are then.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I watched that Roman Polanski documentary on HBO.

33. DO YOU FLOSS DAILY?
No and it will lead to my inevitable and untimely demise.

34. FAVORITE SEASON?
I don't know, when ones here I want the others.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Fivers.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Delicious cheesecake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

There are so many...

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Jon Rose. Aint that about a bitch?

39. WHAT MAGAZINES DO YOU READ?

Somewhat unhealthy affinity for Vanity Fair.

40. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS?
No, thank ya Jee-zus! But I used to have a piercing on my face. Now I just have a hole that will eventually be wrinkled over.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I watched Band of Brothers and loved every minute of it.

42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Myself talking.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles. The White Album is STILL in my cd player.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Aruba. When I was 12 and right now my mom is thinking "you didn't god damn get out of the hotel room for anything". That is not true, I had to come out to eat.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Isn't it obvious?

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Sunny San Diego, California. America's Finest City. Nothing funny about that.

47. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY?
THANK YOU SAN FRANCISCO. GOODNIGHT!

In The News

1. Jamie Lee Curtis "comes clean" about her addiction to pain killers. And that she used to QUOTE Anesthetize herself nearly everyday. END QUOTE. Which is intense. But my what interesting timing, do you think she happened upon this article and knew it was time for a change? Methinks yes.

2. Scientists mapped the genome of a duck-billed platypus, an animal that split from other mammals 166 million years ago. The duck-billed platypus is interesting evolutionarily speaking because it has characteristics of birds, reptiles AND mammals. And can I just say that I TOTALLY CALLED THIS. One day in my physical anthropology class my professor mentioned something about a "missing link". I suggested the duck-billed platypus and was woefully denied my moment in the sun.



3. Amy Winehouse has Emphysema. What the fuck? I will believe it when I see the x-ray. Homegirl is just trying to pretend like she didn't get caught in a crack house again, on video again, smoking crack again and making racial slurs to the tune of Head Shoulders Knees and Toes.
Does she not remind you of Fran Drescher's cracked out foster sister?

4. They totally found ice on Mars. I have been trying for like an hour to say something cool about this but essentially the one line is all I need. Its there, we know it. NASA is stoked.

5. Fires have erupted all over Northern California proving once and for all that it is hell.

6. Last night at the US Olympic Trials, gymnast Shayla Worley nailed the most perfect "pancake drop" anyone on this planet has ever seen. Seriously people have been going on and on about how perfect it was. Please see video evidence at 19 seconds.



7. The Schumanator learned how to add YouTube Videos to The Blog. BOOYAH!

8. Zephyr, the best dog in the world ate a whole triangular block of cheese. And it was really aged cheddar and it was somewhat hard. He tore through the plastic bag ever so quietly in the middle of the night devoured that cheese. He apparently was not a fan of the fontina.

Behold.

NOT ONLY did I bake a cake this weekend. (and what's more it was edible) but I also threw together a little embroidery project. How do you like me now? I got this pattern from the book Sublime Stitching-It was the cover pattern but there are TONS of awesome prints to iron and embroider. Embroidering is actually really easy and fun when you don't have to do boring bunnies or baskets of flowers.



But now, the real question: What should be written on the banner? At first I was SURE it was going to say "Fuck Ya". But figured that might not be the best gift. Some other thoughts:
- Booyah
- Sweet
- Rock and Roll
- Oh Snap
- Wicked (possible alternate: Wizard)
- Frodo

Oh the possibilities...

Not Gossip

I really like reading interviews with recognizable people, celebrities you might say, but I don't enjoy celebrity gossip (For example, Do I care if Jennifer Lopez spent a bunch of money on chandeliers for her new twins?).
The following is not gossip. It is fact. And it is a fact that I think that you will be very surprised by.
My dear friend Courtney worked at Creative Artists Agency in LA for a year. During that time celebrity sitings became common place because a ton of actors and actresses have "people" there or whatever. She has mentioned seeing a lot of famous people that I'm afraid I would be unable to keep my cool around. From the list of people below, guess which one was the biggest bitch. Go on. You know you want to....

1. Robert Redford
2. Eva Longoria
3. Gwyneth Paltrow
4. Drew Berrymore
5. Cameron Diaz
6. Tom Cruise
7. Jamie Lee Curtis
8. Queen Latifah
9. Katie Holmes
10. Oprah
11. James Gandolfini
12. Jimmy Fallon
13. Sarah Jessica Parker
14. Natalie Portman
15. Jennifer Aniston

I bet you didn't guess.
Process of elimination:
You know its not Queen Latifah because she keeps it extra real with the U.N.I.T.Y
Couldn't possibly be Sarah Jessica Parker because she does not roll like that.
Eva Longoria, just cause its not, but apparently she wasn't too friendly either.
You know its not James Gandolfini, Tom Cruise or Robert Redford or I would have used a term other than Bitch.
Its not Jimmy Fallon- He bought Court a cup of joe
Natalie Portman- Too short, no one would take her seriously
Oprah: Has "people" that throw fits for her. 5 of them.

Do you give up?


JAMIE LEE CURTIS. Jamie Lee Curtis comes in and throws a big ass fit saying "Fucking Hell" and yelling about this and that like a total nut case. Is this the kind of behavior American's look for in children's authors? I think not.


(This is what she looks like right before she loses it...stay low)


So friend, I challenge you once again. Who do you suspect is the biggest biotch/pain in the ass in show biz? Send in your suspicions via Comment and perhaps Courtney will enlighten us with her non-gossip FACToids.

What happened to the Radio?

Brace yourself Mother, this is going to be bitter.

I seriously, ridiculously, 100%-ingly, amazingly, thoroughly, completely and TRULY DISLIKE morning radio djs. Like, a lot.
My question for you is this:
Why?
Why, when I am on my way to work, when I am tired and cranky and feeling exceptionally antisocial would I want to hear about the things that morning radio djs talk about? If anything, give me talk radio on the way home from work- my mind has been working, exercising, interacting with different kinds of people. I might even be tempted to call in and contribute to the general fountain of culture. But in the morning, all I want to do is call in and say: Who the fuck cares what you think about anything? In fact the other day a gentlemen of the same sentiment called in to one of these morning shows and said the same thing although perhaps more succinctly: Yeah, I was just calling to say you guys suck.

Six stations people. SIX auto programmed stations in my car radio and I'm lucky if I get ONE song in during my drive to work.

Anyways, I really think that this is one of those things that people got straight-up BACKWARDS and The Schumanator's gonna have to pick up the pieces.

On the Origins of My Blackness

Me: How would you start a blog entry entitled: "On the Origins of My Blackness?"
Jon: Once...In a world...Where everyone was still almost primates and the glaciers were receding...My grandma marched West.
Me: That's charming Darling but my Grandmother is a white Mormon woman from Provo Utah. She fucking rocks my socks off but black African she is not.

(I just thought that was hilarious)

Several months ago my Mom decided to trace our ancient ancestry as far back as science could explain. That would be back to Africa. When I say this I don't mean that my people came from Africa 6 generations ago. No, I mean Africa as in the cradle of civilization as in the first people that we are all descended from. Yes. Very intense. and totally 100% awesome.
How could she, Andrea, possibly do this? Actually it was really easy for her. She took a swab of the inside of her cheek JUST LIKE WE LEARNED IN MIDDLE SCHOOL! and sent it (and thus her DNA) in to National Geographic's: Genographic Project. All of the research and information that was gathered is based on my Mom's mtDNA. That is her Mitochondrial DNA. Read a book. Mitochondrial DNA is inherited from mothers only and scientists say that they can identify the original "Mitochondrial Eve" and based on mutations in the mtDNA can trace a person's ancestors all the way back to that woman. The results of the study, that is 175,000 years of genetic history, are outlined below.

• Branch of Human family tree: Haplogroup H
• "Mitochondrial Eve" - All people alive on the planet can trace maternal lineage back to her (Yes, even YOU)
• "Simply put, Eve was a survivor"
• She probably got a lot of booty.
  
• Her descendants moved around within Africa and eventually split into 2 groups characterized by a set of mutations their members carry
• After co-existing a few thousand years an "important" mitochondrial mutation occurred and went on to form a new group.
• This new group headed westward in Africa
• Signpost Ancestor: born 80,000 years ago and began a new group (because of another mtDNA mutation). Group important for its movement North.
• They were like it is hotter than hell here and I'm starting to burn more than usual...
• These ancestors were the first modern humans to leave Africa representing the deepest branches of the tree found outside of that continent.
  
• About 50,000 years ago Europe began to melt. Land in Africa changed from desert to savanna. The game my ancestors hunted headed North across the Saharan Gateway.
• New groups formed- my ancestors left the African continent across the Sinai Peninsula in Egypt and likely followed the Nile Basin
• I'm related to King Tut probably, which is awesome. Although he was young and I think its clear who would have done a better job. (Pointing to myself)
  
• They chilled in western Asia for a spell
• Eventually made their way to Turkey and Mt. Caucasus in Georgia (which I LOVE because Miss Manana, a woman I taught at the preschool with is from there and she rocks my world) This is where the word Caucasian comes from.
  
• This group split off into two new lineages
• 15,000-20,000 years ago it got really cold. Too cold. Water was locked in the polar ice caps and populations drastically reduced. My ancestors headed to Italy and the Balkans.
  
• 15,000 years ago the ice sheets began retreating and my people, clever as they were went north again and recolonized western Europe. My genetic group makes up 40-60% of the gene pool of most European populations
  
• My people went to England, Italy and Spain and eventually- thousands of years later, came to America.
• And killed it.

So there you have it. An argument for the fact that we are all actually related. You, me, that guy from Saudi Arabia that read my blog last week, Michael Jackson and Ghandi- we are all one big happy family! How I LOVE science.

I know what you are thinking and the answer is Yes. I am SO waiting for the moment that I can look at someone and say ITS CAUSE I'M BLACK- HUH? that will fucking rule.

Choo Choo Tahoe

We went to Tahoe this weekend to stay at Pat's cabin on Lake Donner. I left work early on Friday- at about 1:45, which let me tell you right now was not nearly early enough. Our intention was to "avoid traffic" but I got home around 2:00 and by the time we were all ready and the cat had what he needed and the dogs were going NUTS to get in the car it was 2:30. We pulled out of our apartment complex and of course right then Jon said the dreaded "Shit." Which 9 times out of 10 means that he has forgotten something important.
And he had.
Okay, so 2:45 we're leaving the city and there is already rush hour like traffic. By the time we got to the 80 (thats interstate 80 for you bay area folks that don't use the word THE before your freeways) it was 4:00 and on a Friday that means rush hour traffic everywhere. The drive that took us 2.5 hours to get home took 5 hours on the way up. We were pissed off, tired, sick to death of each other and good and god damn ready to get out of the car. But we made it.




My plan for the weekend was to sit outside, go for walks, get back to nature, take photos for the blog- Really I pictured myself as the sexiest piece of Ansel Adams ass you ever saw. But I ended up taking about 3 pictures the whole time and none of them are of particularly high quality.

The first morning we were there we grabbed a couple of delicious bagel sandwiches at a place called Wild Cherries and in the same parking lot was a pet store/dog groomer. I have been meaning to get LuLu shaved for quite some time- her hair was getting wildly out of control so we dropped in and made an appointment for her later in the afternoon. I was excited to see her, but I can't say I expected this:



I think she looks pretty cute- but its like she is an entirely different breed of dog.

Anyways- we spent a lot of time with Jon's nephew, Liam. He was there with his mom Joanna (Jon's sister) and her husband Phil. He is very cute and although he is just 20 months old he has quite an extensive vocabulary including:
Please
Thank you
More
Elmo
All Aboard!
Choo Choo

The last one was a big favorite of the weekend and by the last day Jon was adding Choo Choo to the beginning of everything he said, such as: Choo Choo Doggy, Choo Choo bath time, Choo Choo boat ride etc. One day at lunch Liam was charming our attractive female waitresses and Jon deemed him Choo Choo Suave.




It was a fun trip filled with tons of sunshine and fresh air and we can't wait to go back for another long weekend sometime.
But not anytime soon...I love Jon very much but we shan't be getting back in the car together for some years to come.

Tomorrows Entry: On the Origins of My Blackness: A National Geographic Perspective.

JINX

After a previous post entitled Analytics, my Google Analytics stopped working and my line graphs looked like they were portraying the stock market crash of 1929 more than the Bloganator readership. Apparently there are some rules to this application that I was unaware of.

Rule number one- You do not talk about Google Analytics
Rule number two- You DO NOT talk about Google Analytics

Interestingly enough Jon has recently encouraged me to make an entry about jinxing things. His example was how I jinx myself when I am killing him at tennis (which involves either flexing my muscles in his direction, whistling the theme for Darth Vader's Dark Side, or both). After I do that my game takes a substantial down turn. He was suggesting this topic and I immediately shot him down saying NO SIR. Today I shall blog about the magical abilities of Google Analytics.

The next morning when the application ceased to work properly he said, See. You jinxed it.
So I said, Dude
A. You don't even read the blog
and 2. What are you? Some sort of preppy soothsayer informing the world of the potential jinxes that are constantly within an inch of ruining our WHOLE LIVES? And am I jinxing your ability to do so RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT?

Stay tuned.


Moving right along,- in reference to the last entry entitled Mr. Clean my dear, sweet mother sent this note:

I insist you put this response comment from me on your blog. God dammit, you know good and well I tried forever to get you to clean your room. Your friends know that I myself am very clean. You, however, are a P. I. G. pig.


Oh, Mummy You are a delicate Flower.

Mr. Clean

I never shared a room with anyone before I went away to college and it was so far from my mind that I don't remember even considering what my dorm roommate might be like. It turned out that we got along really well (at least before we got totally sick of each other) and we were fast friends. As I look back on it, some of the things I did may have bothered her in one way or another but frankly I am not programmed to think of others in that way.
1. I started eating a turkey/mayo/onion sandwich like everyday. It took me awhile to realize that our room smelled like onions. Not everyone's favorite spice.
2. I rarely did laundry. Duh, it was like not in our room, what was I supposed to do?
3. I used her good makeup when she was gone. Shhhhh!
4. Actually I used a TON of her stuff while she was gone.

I learned from that experience: Do not share rooms with people, who knows what they are doing with your shit. So after that year I moved in with two new friends and said farewell to my dorm roomie. My new mates and I shared a lot of the things in our house, so that was rarely an issue. But I also don't recall cleaning a SINGLE THING the entire time we lived there and yet our place always looked so clean. I am sure that this pissed someone off, but again I never bothered to ask.

The same roommates and I moved to a house the next year and it was really more of the same. Although I do have vivid memories of Kaylee looking very annoyed as she Swiffer Wet Jet'd the entire square footage of the house I don't recall ever lending a hand. (Mom, stop judging, this is just as much your fault as it is mine).

Oh But Karma. That WHORE karma. She came and bit me square in the ass. I now have only one roommate, a boyfriend roommate and lets just say that he DOES NOT Swiffer Wet Jet the entire house. Nor does he excel at the final step of every project/task/chore/happening: the clean up. He is smart, yes. He is capable of a great many things, yes. He is not sure if his full named is spelled JonathAn or JonathOn, fine. But Clean-Up time presents a certain dilemma that we have concluded is simply insurmountable.

Luckily he makes up for this fact by making messes while working on fun and new projects. Like the aforementioned mirror. Or the big bookshelf that helps keep our house from descending too far into chaos. And of course the multi touch screen computer. You will not believe the mess that has come along with the latest prototype and on the brand new dining room table AND chairs no less.

Whilst writing this entry the Internet must have whispered sweet nothings into his ear because the table is now completely cleared off. So rather than post the photo of how messy it was (which I very hurriedly took while he was upstairs) I will instead post a video of the latest LCD version of the computer for your enjoyment and for his partial redemption.

I said Partial.

Analytics

Dear Friend.

I don't know who you are, I don't know your passions, your hopes, your dreams. I don't know what you do for a living or whether or not you like it, if you are in a relationship or if you wear argyle. But I do know a few things about you. And that is thanks to Google Analytics. This helps me track how many people visit my website, but it does a lot more than just count heads- it also tells me where in the world my viewers are and whether or not each view is "unique"(which means when I look at the blog 10 million times in a day, it only counts one).

Right now you're concerned. I don't know that you read my blog faithfully and you think I might think its weird that you are a loyal fan. Fear Not Sweet Citizen. I cannot see your name, your address or even your location other than by city. And furthermore I am GLAD that you are reading! So chill out spaz.
What I can see however is which Keywords people enter to end up on my site. That is, if you were to Google search: Schumanator, you would probably end up seeing my site and if you were to visit it, Google Analytics would list "Schumanator" under the keyword list.

My, what a convenient segway...

I have started a list of the combinations I have had so far (Right side). Some are funny if you know which entries are getting the keywords to come up. For example, someone Googled "'two yolks one egg safe" and that is HILARIOUS to me because this is the post that got them here.

So friend, I challenge you. I challenge you to google the most ridiculous combination of words that you can find on the bloganator and as I find good ones on my analytics site I shall post them to The Keyword List.

Sincerely,

The Schumanator


PS. A special thank-you to Jeff Rose who, via Facebook, has helped me realize my stripper name. Fantasia Meadowcocker. And if that is not a keyword I don't know what is.

Why I'm Not Allowed in the Kitchen

Jon decided to make a bag of popcorn this evening while we were hanging out. Our popcorn setting hasn't been working properly for a few months and so when the timer went off and not a single kernel had popped, I told Jon to "throw it back in real quick for 2 minutes". He did so and while I went back to my reserved seat on the couch he stayed behind and stared into the microwave.

And all of the sudden it sounded like an IED hit our kitchen- The bag burst open and the ceramic plate inside of the microwave shattered. Jon was lucky he didn't catch a piece of shrapnel. Not only did the plate shatter but it blew the microwave door open and sprayed ceramic all over the floor. MID CYCLE- total radioactive catastrophe.

I feel like there is a 60% chance that I will wake up tomorrow with some sort of super power- like the ability to spontaneously change my body matter to that of melted butter. I could ride on a wave of deliciousness or slide under doorways undetected. Stay tuned for that.

Jon said, and I think he put it very succinctly: Well, now we know that we can tell our kids not to fuck with the microwave.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Jon and I ran some errands in the East Bay today and to do that we had to take the Bay Bridge. (duh). So we had just gotten on the bridge when I noticed about 4 police cars surrounding a white van and a truck, all moving at normal speed more or less in the left lanes.

Jon said "Maybe whatever is in that truck is so crazy hazardous that it needs a police escort across just to be safe".

As soon as he said that I was positive we were going to die.

Slow down! I said, Why are you trying to get close to it? Oh! Here exit at Treasure Island!

But as he sped up alongside the police cars we noticed that there were people sitting on the back and the front of the truck. And that the people in the white van were sort of supervising. As we passed in front of them we realized that the front end had two people and a huge movie camera and when we lined up for the perfect shot I fumbled the camera phone.

I did get one from the side though-




So in like a year...when you're at the movie theater and you see a shot coming across the Bay Bridge Eastward look for Jon and I waving and throwin' up thumbs up like nobody's business. We're basically already famous.

World's Greatest Dog

No seriously, this dog makes your dog (and our other dog) look like an out of control monster

Good Clean Humor

So the "Funniest Person" poll is officially closed and we have a winner! Mike Myers won and I have to tell you that in my mind he was the total dark horse- definitely not the favorite going into the race but apparently the people have spoken and they've said WE LIKE MIKE!

I used to LOVE Leslie Nielson when I was a little kid, he totally should have been included in the poll; I used to think that slapstick humor was a gift from the stars, sparkling magical light down on my little piece of the world. Now it drives me crazy! I can't stand "potty jokes" and images of men getting hit in the nuts by various different objects. I call this "Nuts and Butts" humor. If you are using Nuts and Butts humor you are bound to say the word POO at some point. I hate that word. Call it poop if you have to, or shit if its appropriate, but frankly I don't think it should be referred to all.

Learn How to Knit in One Blog Entry (and then go back to being a badass)

Gentlemen listen up, this particularly pertains to you.

Knitting is actually really easy and once you get just a few small parts down you can be well on your way to creating something unique for yourself. I'm not trying to say that the first complete thing that I knitted was fabulous (ask Emily, she was the gracious recipient) but like everything else it just takes a little bit of time.

So. Just a couple of tips to begin with:

Don't get too thin of yarn or too small of needles to begin with- otherwise it will take you forever. Its fun on a new project to see your progress. And also, be prepared to undo the beginning of your project a couple of times, if you make a mistake when knitting always go back and fix it otherwise it will show on your final piece. There are good illustrations and directions here that will also show you several different ways to begin.

This first video shows how you:
1. Make a slip knot onto the needle to attach the yarn.
2. Cast On using a method called "the slingshot". This will get your yarn ready to start knitting and will determine how wide your project will be.






The second video will show you how to do a basic knit stitch. Once you get the hang of this you will practically know the purl stitch as well- It is the same as the knit stitch, just reversed.




Next week: How to keep it gangster.

Gay Sex in the City

A couple of "the gals" from work and I met downtown to see the Sex in the City movie. We met at Lark Creek Restaurant to have a couple of cocktails before and went into the theater about ten minutes before the movie started. You would think that on a Wednesday night one might be able to find a decent seat but my coworkers and I quickly found out that the show had sold out and that the only places to sit were the front row and the second row.
I have not sat in the front row of a movie for....ten years. And I know why: Grown ups do not sit in the front rows- its too hard to see. If something happens on both the right AND the left side of the screen one is forced to choose which thing to watch. I also could see every age spot and freckle on the actors' necks; So much so that Smith Jarrod looked old?

I would say that three quarters of the audience was made up of men and that is because I am rounding down. One particularly spirited gentlemen attended the movie in full drag- Spaghetti strap dress, curly blond wig and sparkly heels. Total Magnificence. I did not have the opportunity to ask him which character he was supposed to be but something told me that he was not having a problem getting in touch with his feminine side.
I was particularly excited when I realized that this audience was the type to whoop, holler and even applaud at exciting parts of the movie...and previews for that matter. They gave a VERY enthusiastic welcome to the up and coming "Mamma Mia" starring Meryl Streep (who they apparently think is fabulous.)

The movie was totally awesome, of course. Even though I was so close to the screen that my brain had to watch the movie differently, I felt like I was watching an extended super-value episode that I never wanted to end. I was happy when it did though because it was 10:00 and that is like 30 minutes before my bedtime.

On the way back to the parking garage, my coworker Arlene (who I love!) and I got in a very large and crowded elevator as the only women alongside a large chunk of the male audience. Everyone was chatting about the movie and then as soon as the elevator door closed the obligatory silence ensued. It was, as it always is, completely uncomfortable and I was ever so tempted to say, "so is anyone single?" But alas, I chickened out and didn't resume conversation until 3 seconds after the elevator doors opened.

But I think that almost makes me a Samantha.

And They're Like, Its Better Than Yours

My Friends a special thing has happened. In order to wish Courtney the most happiest of birthdays, Erin learned how to "do HTML" and cracked the code for leaving comments in BOLD. Please feel free to get in touch with her if you wish to learn the same- Apparently its pretty simple.

Also, Three people have voted on the poll question on the top left of this web page and I will have you know that this time I am not one of them. I think I know two of you that voted, but to the mystery voter that checked the box for Mike Myers: I thank you for your kind participation! (Was that you mom?)

Finally- after the request in a previous blog to send in your favorite pictures literally tens of thousands of photos poured in. This was a really tough decision but I have narrowed it down to two:

From: Erin H. in San Diego, Ca




From Courtney B. in Los Angeles (Hell), Ca:




If you come across a cool photo or an interesting YouTube video send it in! You never know, your name could be up here next!!!

Craftastic

Before I started the Schumanator I bought the domain www.CraftasticVoyage.Com. I was going to post little projects I was working on from time to time but ultimately there were several problems with that plan:

1. I do not know how to "build" a website. I am only web savvy enough for a template.
2. I'm not very good at crafts. Even in elementary school I was the last girl to learn how to stay in the lines. (I was, however, always the first person to yell DONE!)
3. Even in my most craftiest of moments I would never craft consistently enough to necessitate an entire blog.
4. I would have to actually finish something which I have a strict policy against.

Some of the more recent projects:








And the only thing I have to show for this last weekend: